my new beZt friend

Ah yes. What is all this prescription talk? I'll tell you. I am taking Zoloft these days. "But Carey, millions of people take anti-depressants, why do you think you are special enough to write about it?" That's an excellent question, thank you for asking. First of all I don't think I'm special, second of all, because it's the one thing that has helped me after 2 years of battling PPD and I am forever grateful.

I am not ready to write about the details on how PPD affected my life. It is a wound freshly healed and something I'm not ready to revisit so soon. But I promise it's coming. I do feel it necessary to write about because I thought I was forever off my rocker and would always feel so crappy. For anyone reading this out there going through that, in the words of Michael Jackson "You are not alone." But seriously, every time someone would say to me "This too shall pass", I wanted to believe them, but I had no idea how it would.

Anywho, as I have stated in Fatties birth story, I will do anything I can to not take medication,but desperate times call for desperate measures. After having Jet, I turned into an anxious and sad  insomniac. I would have a few normal days and then it's like I would crash and emotionally feel awful and unable to pick myself up. I needed to get some help. All I wanted to do was feel myself again, the me who was calm and laid back and who performed a dramatic song and dance routine at each family gathering. I wanted to go through the day without feeling panicky over nothing. I wanted my heart to stop racing.  If I felt so horrible during the day, I at least wanted to sleep at night so I could check out and get away from myself for a few hours. That was asking way too much. The suck thing is, I was nursing Jet so there was no way that I was going to be taking anything that was not natural. So for 2 years I tried different natural things. I did acupuncture for a few months. Nothing. I went to the Chiropractor for 14 months. Nothing (Although I will say my back felt great and I didn't get sick the whole time I went). I bought sleep tracks to listen to at night. Nothing. I took Melatonin. Nothing. Tried different herbs. Nothing.

Almost four months after having Jet I went to the doctor to talk about my issues. I wanted them to check my thyroid again to see if that could be what was causing all of this because when I was pregnant I had a slightly under active thyroid that corrected itself. It came back normal this time. During this appt. before I was even done explaining my feelings I was handed a prescription slip for Zoloft. I was bummed. I had wanted him to tell me there was something else I could do. I knew nothing about this medication and how it could help me. I filled it just for the heck of it. When I brought it home I read the facts, it said that it could take up to 6 weeks to work. "Oh forget this" I thought, "I will be better in 6 weeks." LOL. Not really, more like COL, cry out loud. So I never took it. And so the anxiety continued.

This is a long story but I am going to leave a lot out and try and sum it up since talking about meds is not super interesting. I went back to the doctor 14 months postpartum and had my thyroid checked again. This time it came back low. Great! This must have been my problem all along and it just didn't show up correct the last time, right? So I took meds for it, got it re-checked, got it back to normal. But wait, I still felt like absolute Beeeep! I quit nursing Jet and I became addicted to Ambien. I needed sleep. It wasn't even good sleep but it did help. I then went to a Neurologist because for over a year now I wasn't sleeping and surely there was something wrong with my brain. I left with a different prescription for a sleep medication. Once again I was so bummed. This was not fixing my problem, it was only treating my symptoms!!! I never filled it.

                                               The day I found out I was with child.
                                           It was obviously a bad time in my life for my hair as well.

Three months after quitting nursing I found myself pregnant again. At first I kicked the Ambien and started sleeping a little better because I was completely exhausted.  I then started not sleeping again. By the second trimester I was taking Ambein on and off again, I couldn't take another sleepless night. Talk about mom guilt. I don't care what they say is "safe." If I despise taking anything non pregnato then you can believe the turmoil it caused me every time I took something while pregnato. I started to get nervous. How the heck was I going to deal with 2 kids under 2 and no sleep and pure anxiety?

I went to my routine pregnancy visit and saw my nurse midwife Jessica. I started telling her about how I haven't been the same since having my first baby and I couldn't take it anymore. You know what she did? No, I didn't leave with a prescription. She suggested I get counseling before she write me anything. That was the best advice I had gotten(even though my husband had been telling me for months to go talk to someone. He even made me appts. that I cancelled. Why don't we want to listen to our spouses?) She wanted to make sure that it wasn't some underlying issue that I needed to deal with.

So I make an appt for the psychologist who happened to be an ex labor and delivery nurse. I was kind of nervous. I have no problem talking about my issues with someone I'm close with, but a total stranger is a different story. I go. I sit. I start rambling. She stops me, gets out a pen and paper and draws out my anxiety levels compared to a normal person and explains adrenaline and the chemicals in my brain and how there is no way this is going to get better without medication. She looked me in the eye and firmly said "You are a classic post partum case that has gone untreated and I cannot believe that you have been living like this for 2 years. You have got to get this fixed before this baby comes." I started to cry. She explained to me how the meds would work. OMGoodness. I wanted to wrap my arms around her. I wasn't mad she told me I needed meds, I was just so happy that she gave me an explanation.

I am now 32 weeks pregnant on the dot and go back for my routine visit. I tell Jessica I saw a counselor and that she told me start taking something. I get the Zoloft filled. I misplace it. I thought maybe that was a sign that I shouldn't take it. After all, it is meds and I am knocked up. I already am experiencing  major guilt about having taken sleeping pills. I mean what's wrong with me? I was finally semi-ok with taking something but still tried to find a way out of it thinking it still might get better.

 At 32 weeks and 5 days I go into labor. You know the story.

So I never had to take anything while pregnant! At the hospital I feel good emotionally. I guess it's those mommy hormones you get right after you give birth and right before you crash and want to shoot yourself. At the hospital they give me Zoloft because it says in my chart that I'm taking it. So right in front of the nurse, and my husband, I pretend to take it but really I slip the little blue pill in my pocket. I felt so scandalous.

I got home and and felt good for about a week. Then an anxiety attack hits. I am up at 2am praying. I am praying that if I am supposed to take meds can I please find my Z and start it. I get up to pee. Something in me told me to look inside the wicker cabinet under the washcloths. I did. There it was. And you betcha, the next day I started the pills. They started doing their magic quickly, way way sooner then 6 weeks and before you know it I was back to river dancing in my parents living room and singing opera at the dining room table. I even started a blog.

And yes, I am nursing Benjamin. And I feel ok about it. I have spoken to many many other moms who have taken anti's while breastfeeding and their little and grown kids are fine. I wish I didn't have to take it at all but it's given me myself  back. So there you have it. Thank you Zoloft, you're #1!

Do I wish I would have taken it years ago? Hmm... Now that it's over, no. It makes me appreciate life so much more now that I'm out of this fog. All the simple things are blessings to me. I don't feel like I need anything except my Savior.

I now ask that you sing in your heart "My Help." If you don't know that song please turn in your Bibles to Psalm 121.  You will find the lyrics. You may put your own tune to it. Thank you.