Life as we know it

One of my first memories of my husband was in 2001.  He walked out of his friends dorm room wearing a fairy princess outfit. I was dressed as a "pregnant just rolled out of bed mom" and what I didn't know was those 2 outfits were a sign of things to come.

19 years later

 In late October, I was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes listening to Kayne West's album Jesus is King because it had just been released and my kids had it playing non-stop.  I looked out the window to see my neighbor violently fly off of his bike into the bushes. As I started pulling off my purple rubber gloves to run outside to preform whatever medical intervention was necessary, I saw my 8 year old son step out from behind a tree wearing a Carolina Panthers cheer-leading outfit holding a camera and realized they were just shooting a film.


I've been pondering recently how much I love my boys getting older. I love watching them mature and be more responsible(ish). I love to watch them learn from their mistakes when they make a dumb decision. I love watching them cultivate relationships and be discerning about who may or may not be a good influence. I love seeing what we've taught them come to fruition(and of course the good comes with the bad). But the real reason I love them getting older is because of the humor factor. They've got jokes. If anything we have taught them it's humor(and street smarts). All I ask out of the relationships I have in my own life is make me laugh or laugh with me. But for the love of all that is good, just see the humor in things. However, if you can't do that, at least be able to hold a 30 minute minimum conversation with me about any MacGyver episode that was aired 1985-1992. If that can be done, we can also be friends. I love that the kids pick up on all our ridiculous phrases and insert them at precisely the right time. It used to be my husband and I only finishing each others sentences usually with something totally absurd and uncalled for. We used to be shocked by the fact that we both were thinking the same exact twisted and immature content, but now more times then not, the kids are finishing our sentences.

 I am a 6 on the enneagram so I spend most of my life contemplating death and everyone else's death around me. I have a tendency to think of the future and all the hardships that will come. I can start to mourn the loss of things which haven't happened yet. I always have this countdown where I think only 7 more years of being Jet's mom until he goes to college and I have to say goodbye forever. I often have to check myself while I am in the process of wrecking myself.  First thing I do is remind myself that 1. In the words of Arnie from "What's eating Gilbert Grape",  "I can go at anytime". And 2. So can everyone else. Another breath is not guaranteed for any of us so think like today could be your last one. But also you could have 50 more years so stop thinking it's all going to end in the next hour. Then I come back to the moment and enjoy what's in front of me until the morbidity creeps in again. I need to remind myself that it has been joy watching my kids grow thus far and so I will probably enjoy watching them as adults too. Anyway, as part of my 6, I am shocked whenever good things happen, unlike my 7 enneagram husband who is shocked when bad things happen. When I was a child there was an episode of "Are you afraid of the dark" where the parents left their daughter home and went on a date. A few minutes later the girl got a call from the police that her parents were killed in a car accident. Needless to say that episode has shaped my entire life in so many ways.

My youngest child is now 6. We treat her like she is 4. I think because she's the baby of the family we give her a pass at everything. We all don't expect much so when she does something that is age appropriate we all praise her like she is a prodigy. Then I go back and watch home videos and see my other 2 preforming those same tasks at age 3. I am definitely tougher on her than my husband. What Hazel wants Julius delivers. When she was 4 she had her birthday parties planned for the next several years. Her 5th she would have ponies, 6th would be at Great Wolf Lodge, 7th would be a cruise, 8th would be Disney World, 9th ponies again and 10th California. She doesn't demand it, but in her lollipop and gumdrops fairy tale glitter land she lives in, she truly believes it all will happen. But why wouldn't she? Her 5th she had ponies just like she told us she would, a unicorn even made an appearance. Her 6th I had just planned on having a low key party at home. However, one week before, she was convinced she was going to Great Wolf Lodge. We just rolled our eyes whenever she told us. Expect then my better half said a few days before her birthday "Why don't you make a reservation at great Wolf Lodge, we can just take everyone out of school" And so, with a reluctant finger I clicked and made the reservation. And like every aging woman, I went down one of the slides backwards while it twisted and turned, throwing off my equilibrium, making me dizzy and nauseated the rest of  the time there. I then randomly came down with a low grade fever and head pain and all I wanted was my own bed. Instead I spent the night in the room while the kids listened to Kanye West's album Jesus is Lord playing on repeat. I now can't listen to him or hear the words Great Wolf Lodge without feeling head pain, dizzy and ready to vomit.

Another thing vomit worthy is turning on the news and seeing that Iran has launched missiles at al-Asad airbase in Iraq where your brother happens to be. Fortunately we all know how it turned out, but in the meantime I spent the next several hours checking every 5 seconds to make sure there were no American causualties. Praise Him everyone lived but it just got me thankful for this country. I can't not say how thankful I am for all the service men and women who defend our country voluntarily every day risking their lives. I do not take my freedom for granted. I know it is a privilege to sit in my warm and cozy home while gagging down my personal concotion of a  detox smoothie safely behind a computer screen rambling about nonsense. I know it's not how the rest of the world operates and only freedom makes it possible. And freedom that makes it possible our kids can dream their future plans for unnecessary birthday celebrations. It's my job as a mother to make sure my children know how fortunate they are to live in the United states of America. Other moms have often told me they don't know how I deal with my husband traveling for work. In comparison to military families, there is no comparison. I know at the end of each week he will be home to make out with. Unless of course his plane goes down, which is my thought process each time we say goodbye. Our country isn't perfect but it's the sacrifices that those who have gone before us have made and the people who continue to, that make our country what it is, free. So any active military, veteran or family member of those serving or who have served, thank you for your service. May God bless you and your families and may God bless America.

Update from when I first wrote this: I've now been informed Hazel is getting a golden retriever puppy for her 7th birthday named Salsa to marry our neutered dog Chips and have puppies with. And as Chips sits by my feet presently, I just got scolded from my husband for shouting downstairs to everyone saying "Maybe Chips likes me the most and always wants to be near me because I have cancer and he detects it. He just wants to be near me in my final days" My poor kids don't need an episode of "Are you afraid of the dark?" to scar them when they have me. Fortunately in my death, I know that's when living really starts. And all God's people say Amen.

Chips, our "outdoor" dog, asleep in my bed on my pillow. Bad dog.

                                                                       Way maker
                                                                    Miracle worker
                                                                   Promise keeper
                                                                Light in the darkness
                                                                        My God
                                                                 That is who you are