Be still my soul

I wish I wrote more, but to know me is to know about the big stick that resides up my butt. Unfortunately a side effect of the stick is having to have everything perfect and in it's place and washed and wiped down and folded and paid and checked off until I can sit down which means i can never sit down. My father has always told me to relax and my husband gets annoyed at me for constantly having to be on the move. Family movie nights are torture because the rules are I am not allowed to fold laundry or do push ups. I.have.to.sit.still. Tonight I don't have things all done but I got a text from my new friend in Sacramento who I met last week and I thought that's a sign. I have been wanting to write about my recent trip to California and that was the nudge I needed. Fortunately my youngest is sleeping, Julius is reading Harry Potter to my oldest and my middle is "grounded" and in his room as of 2 hours ago for being disrespectful. He thinks being grounded means we are not going to feed him any food tomorrow. He also got his door handle taken off tonight so he can't lock it anymore and sneak out the window. Perks of being 6 and having your bedroom on the first floor.

So last week Julius and I went to California because he had a conference at the Ritz-Carlton in Lake Tahoe. I was not going to have him go and soak in that kind of beauty without me. He had a cocktail reception the first night of the conference which I couldn't go to so first we had a drink at the bar. He then he told the bartender Brad to take care of me and not let anyone hit on me as he walked over to his dinner. Brad succeeded in one of those areas and failed in the other. I sat chatting with him, drinking my vodka and water and ordered the Trout. It was amazing so I obnoxiously and dramatically told him to compliment the chef because it was the best piece of fish I have ever had. Meanwhile I met two girls at the bar, Megan and Virginia who were having drinks and dessert. They were from Sacramento and in town checking on a Megan's vacation property remodel at the Lake. Having finished our addition and remodel this past June, we were able to commiserate and bond over the frustration and the toll it takes on your mental health.

Had this been taken during our renovation process I would have jumped over this ledge

Side note: This is a whole other story but for many reasons I had a food sensitivity antibody blood test thing about a month ago and I tested positive for having a sensitivity to many foods. I was told to eliminate these foods for 3 months. I am talking gluten, dairy, vanilla, bananas, shrimp, spinach, kale, almonds, green beans, etc...I know it sounds bizarre especially if you are not familiar with autoimmune disease and all that goes with it but it has helped me like crazy to cut these out.

Anywho, back at the bar while I am talking to my new friends, a waiter comes up and gives me a piece of chocolate cake. I say I didn't order this. Brad pipes in and says he did and it's on him. What nobody around me knew and what I didn't feel like explaining because let's be honest nobody cares, is my new food sensitivity testing diagnosis. The problem is, if someone gives you a beautiful piece of warm chocolate cake it is extremely rude to not eat it. I was praying Julius would pop in like he had been doing so I could feed him the cake. I started to sweat. I found a cocktail napkin and devised a plan. I took a bite, chewed it up, acted like I was wiping my mouth and spit it in the napkin. Shoved the napkin in my purse and looked for the next nearest cocktail napkin. Bite #2 in my purse and my plan was working. I continued to talk to the girls when a man sat down next to me. We will call him Mike, mainly we will call him Mike because that was his name. I could feel him looking in my direction as I was turned to the left pretending I didn't know he was there and staring. A few seconds later I hear "Wow, well that's some willpower you've got, not finishing that cake." Rolling my eyes all I could think was he has no idea how much willpower I have and the cake that is missing is really inside my purse chewed up in a napkin. He asks if I am with the conference and I tell him no but my husband is and right through those doors. He must have selective hearing. My new friends go up to their room and another girl named Becca sits down. I met her the year before at the Ritz in Laguna at a conference because once again when my husband stays at the Ritz in a pretty town Big Mama is going with. Mike joins in our conversation and his friend also hops up and stands in between me and Becca. We now have a little unwanted foursome conversation where we are trapped with fist bumps included and where we get to hear about all of his properties and the vineyard in Napa he bought that morning. He shows me a picture of one of his houses in California but I tell him that house is in Texas because I have it pinned on houzz and used that as my inspiration when remodeling my own house. Julius has now entered the bar and is sitting behind us on a couch talking to some women from the conference. I keep looking at him like please come help me and he doesn't budge. The women he was with told him to come save me but he told them no because he liked watching this transpire because I don't get out much. Finally Becca pipes in and points to Julius and tells the men, "You know that's her husband right there looking at you" Then finally my prince charming comes to my rescue after having just had his cheap entertainment at my expense.

Now about that stick up my butt. I haven't always been this way. Before I was married or had kids I was super chill and calm and rolled with the punches. With each passing day it has gotten worse and  the injuries, the fighting, the missing children, the complaining, the busy schedules, has got the best of me most days. And then there is my husband who travels most weeks for work. I get in the groove of parenting without him and have it down. Then he is back so I adjust to having him working from home. I settle into a routine of screaming at everyone to keep quiet because daddy is on a call. You can bet your bottom dollar on his very important conference calls I will come in from getting the mail and all hell has broken lose and the screams from the children are blood curdling. It's routine that I sprint and swoop up the injured or fighting child covering their mouth with my hand and take them to the farthest point away from his office. Often when he comes out of his office I am usually laying face down on the floor pretending to be dead. He usually just steps over me and I am offended he doesn't stop and try to resuscitate me. Then he leaves town a few days later so I am back running the ship. But then there is Vacation Carey. Vacation Carey comes to life and doesn't give a crap about anything and the stick temporarily disintegrates. I don't think about my kids, responsibilities, my to-do list or school projects that are due the day after we get back that we haven't had time to start. It is good for me to see what I used to be and know that I have still got the chill factor in me somewhere. I am free.

Lake Tahoe exceeded my expectations. The first day was like summer and we got to walk in the water and bask in the sun. The second was like fall with it's crisp air. slight morning chill, afternoon sun and  beautiful changing leaves. The next day was like winter. I opened my hotel curtains to find a white blanket covering the once green earth. I freaked out a little bit and like a kid on a snow day quickly got dressed without anyone having to tell me to. I woke my husband up because we needed to get the coffee and get outside in the splendor.

 At the hotel I started writing about my soul friends I have had for 20 years . That is a different post I haven't  finished yet because I have 15 unfinished posts, but I want to say leading up to this trip I was starting to feel anxiety and fear. I had crippling fear years ago about me and Julius dying and having my kids grow up without their parents. I was so scared to leave them even for the weekend in case we would get in a car crash and die. Through getting on my knees in prayer, the Lord broke me and these fears like crazy and had me trusting in him wholeheartedly. Next thing you know I am hopping on an airplane 2 years in a row to Europe for 10 days with just my husband not concerned with thoughts of the future and what if's.  Anywho, I started feeling these feelings from years ago creeping in and felt attacked with lies from the enemy.  I honestly did not want to go to California. I reached out to my soul sisters the night before I left and told them what was happening to me. They touched my soul with their responses. From prayer, to scripture, to cognitive behavioral therapy tips to affirming words I felt the Lord at work through these women in my soul. I woke up the day of the trip calm as crap and slept the entire way there which is nothing short of a miracle since insomnia is my middle name. When we live in fear we miss out on so much good.

                                                          Including really good food

And creation

And snow bunnys

 I love listening to modernized hymns in my kitchen. I live in my kitchen. Fortunately it's my favorite place to be. It's my creative outlet and I love concocting new dishes, fermenting foods and being challenged to come up with a meal for someone coming over with food restrictions. Feeding people is my love language. A few days after coming home I was listening to music and was reminded in song of why I can backtrack and get myself in old patterns of anxiety and fear. Such simple words that speak a weighty truth.

Oh, what peace we often forfeit
Oh, what needless pain we bear
All because we do not carry
Everything to God in prayer

As I feel the need to bring my all over the place ramblings with no point to a close, I rest in these words,
Leave to thy God to order and provide, in every change He faithful will remain...

Oh be still my soul.