LIVE. LAUGH. TOOT.

One day, with my mother's permission, I will share a story about her on this blog. One that I love to share in social gatherings. One to break the ice at parties. One that humiliated her, and me, and almost got Julius thinking twice about marrying me. She actually may never agree to the story, so use your wildest imagination. And yes, there may be some tooting involved. Sorry Mom.

I will share some small tidbits from today in which my life mimicked this title. My parents came over for a quick dindin before my mom and I had to leave to see October Baby(Please see my disclosure statement). We had beans for a side. It dawned on me that we eat beans all the time and I have never taught Jet the "beans beans their good for you heart" song. That must be changed. I started off with the "musical fruit" version first since I'm partial to the T word instead of F. My mother sat there and said, "I don't think kids are supposed to learn these types of things from their moms". Au contraire Mama, au contraire. I want my kids well equipped and up to date on these important things. Miraculously, two minutes after singing these songs, Jet tooted. I think he may have gotten a standing ovation from us. He was so excited he started shoveling more and more beans in his mouth. He then was a little disappointed as he was not able to produce anymore. I told him he probably would in his sleep tonight and I was sorry we all couldn't be there to hear the music.

As a  child, I used to get very upset when listening to my mom talk to her sister about colon cleanses and fiber intake and too many things along these lines. On the drive there I was telling her about this Chinese laxative tea I have. She said she would like to try some. After the movie we were standing in line for the bathroom. Her co-worker Beth was standing in line in front of her and said, "So you gonna go out and party after this?" She simply responded, "No. I'm going home to drink some Chinese tea so I can use the bathroom". And then it hit me. I am my mother. As an adult I thrive on these conversations with my girlfriends. There is nothing more exciting. What was not exciting is when it was finally my turn for the bathroom. I squatted as I do in public restrooms(and always at home). I went to stand, and I couldn't. My hip wouldn't allow me to. I started panicking. I thought I would have to crawl out of the stall. Eventually I was able to stand in pain and limp to the sink. I limped to the car, but nobody wants a sob story, so enough of this.

The drive home was filled with discussion about the movie, but also with the inevitable. Had I not sobbed out every last tear in me from the movie, I would have been crying from laughter. One thing Jan said flatually, pardon factually, "You know Martin Luther from the 1500's? Not only was he known for the Protestant Reformation but he was also known for tooting. Frequent ones. Loud ones. It's true.". And then we talked of an Italian/French movie called 'La Grande Abuffatta', one I've never seen but know that in it a man lets out a long, loud, powerful toot and then falls over dead. We got home. I ran in and grabbed her the tea.

So this is my disclosure. To be serious for a moment, the real reason I'm writing is because I want to encourage you to see October baby. I know it's no Hunger Games, but please.  Yes, at the beginning it is a bit cheesy, but then it is heart wrenching and beautiful and will have you in tears. This movie is for those pro-life, pro-choice, contemplating abortion, post abortion. If you watch it, please stay til the credits so you can see the woman tell her abortion story and how she has found healing. God loves you, and so do I. And I love your unborn baby.

So I thought this song was annoying until I had babies of my own. Now the words are truth.

                  Benny

       And the Jet

                                                         Pissed to be...
  "In My Arms"

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contagious smile
And as i watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books are full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies

Knowing clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

#Don'tforgettofloss

 Today I took Jet to the dentist for the first time. Because of my love for teeth, I have been talking up this visit his whole life. To say he was stoked about going would be an understatement. I showed him pictures on the website of the different dentists and let him choose which one he wanted to see.


I don't have a smart phone, mainly because I don't deem it a necessity at this point in my life, so I was not uploading tweets, status updates or Instagrams(aka in this household as pictures
looked like snapped after a nuclear holocaust). But if I did, my tweets would probably go something like this:

-Been here in the waiting room at the pediatric dentist only 2 minutes and the whole place smells like a sewage waste plant. #perfecttimingBenjamin

-You are Correct. The hysterical laughter coming from inside the dentist office bathroom while I change Benjamin's diaper is because he has discovered his penis and continues to yank it. #boyswillbeboys

-Why can't I get away from the smell of poop? #stench

-Got it! I just remembered that I have a diaper full of caca poopies in my purse because OSHA requires you not throw away soiled diapers but place them in a bag and dispose of them yourself after you leave the office. #defacationismylife

-I thought Jet was just practicing some new dance moves but realized he was about to pee all over himself. Sprinted to the bathroom just in time. #cleaningpeeoffthesidesofthetoiletandfloor

-Sitting in the consult room wishing my children would stop interrupting so I could talk to the dentist about Veganism and food documentaries and ethnic hole in the wall restaurants that are the balls. #FoodMatters

-At the reception desk talking to the woman to check out when my youngest started dry heaving. Sprinted back to the consult room because I remember seeing a small white trash can in there. Poor baby got his vomit on.
#Secondsoiledbaginmypurse

Anywhosies, we got out of there safe and sound. Jet got his tokens and picked out prizes and was just beaming. While we were walking out he said, with a kick in his step, "Mommy that was so fun! Dr. Jason is AWESOME!". My cup runneth over. "I knew you would love it baby, I just knew it". When we got to the car, I noticed I parked right near a dumpster and was able to dispose of the poop and puke. Six months couldn't come sooner for Jet. Next time I won't have on a short dress in case there is as much manual labor as there was today. But honestly, that is nothing. It's the life of a mom and nothing to be exasperated over. I wouldn't trade my job for anything. #thankyouJesusfformykids

So I just browsed some photos to add on this post and I came across these that made me laugh because they look like Instagrams.

#HowImisslivinginCaliforniawhat'supwithmyface

#howhemissessurfingeveryday

#SouthernItalianskinVs.NorthernItalianskin

#myhusbandcracksmeup

#Can'tbelieveit'sbeenayear

 PS. I need to add that I don't understand a tweet. have no idea what the number symbol with unspaced words after it means

I just wrote a song. I'll call it...

California Dreaming

all the leaves are brown

and the sky is grey
I've been for a walk
on a winter's day

I'd be safe and warm
if I was in L.A
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day

stopped into a church
I passed along the way
well, I got down on my knees
and I pretend to pray

you know the preacher likes the cold
he knows I'm gonna stay
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day

all the leaves are brown
and the sky is grey
I've been for a walk
on a winter's day

if I didn't tell her
I could leave today
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day



Snap, Crackle, Poop

My life is poop.

I can see my mother now, 60% chuckling, 30% embarrassed and 10% nervous about where I am going with this. At family dinners, especially when non-family members are present,  I tend to whip out "bowel" talk .To which she always responds, "Gosh girl, I don't know where you learned to talk so uncouth."  To which I always respond, "I learned it all from you Janet." Or "Janice" or "Janine." Her whole name is just Jan with no middle name; hence the reason I always spice it up. And no, I learned it not from her.

Mom.

Shamefully I tell you, we are a divided household...Julius does in fact say "fart", all the while I say "toot". We do not agree with each other's lingo. Fortunately, Jet sides with Big Mama on this. Benjamin can choose when he is aware of the gas coming forth from his chunky and cellulite infested hiney. Speaking of the beast, it's absolutely astounding to hear the powerful gaseous combustion that can come from a wee baby. It can shake the house and last for what seems like minutes. All the while they are sleeping or staring off, having no clue that they are the reason for the roaring laughter.

The older I get, the more and more I find myself acting like an 8 year old boy. If you were a fly on the wall in our home, you would think you had 4 young boys living under the same roof. If I ever do anything that Jet is proud of me for, he responds with, "Good boy Mommy!" I keep thinking to myself,  "Self, you are a 28yr old woman, when will you become ladylike and prim?" I don't know.

What I do know is, everything in this house always gets brought back to poop. If there is a foul smell, no matter how it smells, the question, "what smells like poop?" is asked. If someone has bad breath, the comment made is, "Your breath smells like death mixed with poop." Popcorn is poopcorn. Soup is poop. Poptarts are pooptarts. You get the picture. Having 2 little boys in diapers, we are always dealing with poop, and there are always musical toots being released into the atmosphere. Don't worry, not from me. Although the 3 boys rip them left and right, I will not in front of Julius. I need to keep some attraction going. I stick to belching. I make up for the lack of intestinal gas with esophagus gas. I strive to be like my sister who can burp like nobodies business.

I cannot take credit for the title of this blog. I received this in a text from my sister Rachel's boyfriend, Daniel.

Daniel trying to kill me.

 Although he is in a different walk of life from us, his life also revolves around poop. I dedicate this blog entry to him, and to my Uncle Buddy who owns Appalachian Pumping in Boone, NC. Call him for all your septic tank needs.

I very much enjoy hanging out with Rachel and Daniel. My sister is the youngest one, yet she is the most mature acting and usually doesn't add much to our convos on poop and toots. We have come up with many fun phrases for these activities. We often refer to tooting as "cracking joints." So in this case, you can always blame the gas on your arthritic knees, stiff neck or misaligned back. Last weekend we all ate Indian food together. What text did I receive from Daniel that night? Great question, I'm dying to share. "My curry left in a hurry." Did appreciate this text? Absotootly I did.

The lovely couple.

A few weeks ago at the dinner table, Jet sat there tooting. The kind that keeps going and going. We were laughing hysterically because A. it was funny and B. we were impressed. Then he turned red trying to get more out because of our reactions. He then said, "Mommy now you toot." So I made a fake sound with my mouth. To which he responded, "No mommy, toot from the penis." Now we know where he thinks they come from.

Jet trying to toot from the penis.

I am going to leave you with "Linger" from the Cranberries. This was a music video we made in 2007 while living in San Clemente,CA. I do hope you enjoy. Thank you.

 P.S. Janine, I kept it clean and vague, all for you. I love you dearly.

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