Life is Like a Box of Chocolates...

You never know what the beep your son will say.

That son is Jet. I know people love their own children. I know people rant and rave about their children(gag). Oh I'm sorry did I say that out loud? But because I blog a total of never, I am going to write a couple of things from the past couple of weeks that Jet has said, in hopes of not gagging anyone in the process. Because really I do love my children, and they do crack me up.

Some nights it is a long process for 3 yr. old Jet to go to bed. He'll come out of his room several times after we have discussed the day, prayed, read books, sang songs and so forth. "I'm hungry." "I'm thirsty." "I need to pee." "So mom, I want to see if you're doin good" "I want to give you 5 hugs but don't count." These are all amongst the usual excuses of why he is out. Before you think I am a lax parent, rest assured that there are consequences for this naughty behavior. However, some things are too funny to get mad at. For instance our most recent fact we learned from him when he should have been in bed, "Hey dad, poop smells bad but dead squirrel smells worse." Thank you son, I will remember that for when I'm a contestant on Jeopardy next month.
- "Scents for $500 Alex"
-"This smells worse than poop."
 "What is dead squirrel?."
-"You are correct and now take control of the board."

Some days I wake up in the morning to Jet standing on the side of my bed staring at me. He waits for me to open my eyes and immediately tells me something interesting like, "Mitt Romney" and then will walk away. Last week it was "Denise is your friend." This is funny because the end of September he saw this picture below and wasn't familiar with Denise so he made it a point to remember her name that day. Multiple times that day he wanted to look at the picture and tell me her name. He hadn't spoken of her since that day but I guess wanted to remind me that morning what otherwise I would have forgotten.

"Yes Jet. She is my friend. Now go make me an espresso and some focaccia"

While I was cooking i felt a presence staring at me so I turned around. It was Jet. He said, "Obamaphone" and then left the kitchen.

Jet has been reciting Deuteronomy 6:5 for probably a year now. But recently, every time he hears Mitt Romney he says, "Mitt Romney 6:5" and I have been thinking to myself, "Ok, maybe he has learned some facts about our presidential nominee and maybe Mitney has a stature of 6ft 5in. He said it again last night in the car but Julius was there this time. He busted out laughing. I said, "What did you teach him Mitts height or something?" He said, "No, he thinks he is saying a verse." So I said, "Jet say the whole thing." And he is like "Mitt Romney 6:5- You shall love the Lord your God, with all your heart with all your soul and with all your strength. Mitt Romney 6:5". Such confidence for being so wrong.

Eating dinner Jet threw his arm around his daddy and said, "Dad we're best buds. Mom take our picture." So after I demanded some manners, I did.

Monday my dad and I both needed to go to Costco so we decided to go together. As soon as he walked in Jet said, "Nonno, only the doctor can touch your penis. If it hurts, the doctor can make it better." This kid is a slew of information.

Forever grateful for Costco's large carts and samples.

 

And forever grateful for my children. They truly are a precious gift. Jet is a non- stop singer like his mother so it only fits that I end with the song that has been on his lips all day today. We had a praise session in our kitchen this morning while listening to this song. Him standing on the counter with his hands raised high and me crying over the sink overwhelmed with God's love and grace and abundant blessings. "Mommy are you crying cus you are happy or sad?"

So happy sweet child of mine. So happy.

 

"10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)"

Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes


Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find


Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore


Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name

Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name

mani pedi

Until 2 minutes ago, I thought a man pedi was when a man got his toes done.


My toes have been in desperate need of painting for quite some time. I have had full intentions of soaking my feet, cutting the cuticles, shaping the nails and what have you, but time for things like these I just can't seem to find. Sitting on the couch at night watching a show, or "progrum" as we say, would probably be a good call, but "Downton Abbey" needs my full undivided attention. I have looked down at my toes a plethora of times and wanted to swear in anger as i glared at the chipped red polish, or "sonic bloom" if you will.

Today in my room I couldn't take it anymore and sat on the floor to get my painting underway, sans the shaping and soaking. I got one foot coated in the lovely "sonic bloom" when Jet asked me if he could paint my other foot. As I was about to say a big fat "No" I thought to myself, "Self, every other word out of your mouth is "no", C'mon girl, give the boy a chance. What's the big deal? That's what nail polish remover is for, right? Let him tap into his artistic abilities".  So I forced out a  "Of course you can". He got right to work and was very serious about this task at hand. When he was done he said, "Mommy, you look perfect. And you know what else? You look smart."

You know what they say about your second toe being longer than your big toe.

What my conscience forgot to tell me was that just like it took me forever to finally sit and do my toes, it may just take as long to fix them. I suppose when I glance down at my feet now, it may cause me to smile rather than yell profanities. "But Carey, if you have time to sit and write about this, then you surely have time to go fix your foot". You are right conscience, you are right, although you obviously haven't seen the six loads of laundry either on the floor in my room that if I enter to get the remover and polish, I will have no choice but to begin folding. Therefor I choose not to go back there.

                                          Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Jack Johnson with "Bubble Toes"

It's as simple as something that nobody knows that her eyes are as big

as her bubbly toes
on the feet of a queen of the hearts of the cards and her feet are all
covered with tar balls and scars
It's as common as something that nobody knows that her beauty will
follow wherever she goes
up the hill in the back of her house in the would she love me forever,
I know she could

I remember when you and me mmm how we used to be just good friends
Wouldn't give me none
But all I wanted was some
She's got a whole lot of reasons
She cant think of a single one
That can justify leaving
and he got none but he thinks he got so many problems
Man he got, too much time to waste

His dreams are like commercials
But her dreams are picture perfect and
Our dreams are so related though they're often underestimated

It's as simple as something that nobody knows that
Her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes
On the feet of the queen of the hearts of the cards
And her feet are infested with tar balls and


La da da da da da ...

#Don'tforgettofloss

 Today I took Jet to the dentist for the first time. Because of my love for teeth, I have been talking up this visit his whole life. To say he was stoked about going would be an understatement. I showed him pictures on the website of the different dentists and let him choose which one he wanted to see.


I don't have a smart phone, mainly because I don't deem it a necessity at this point in my life, so I was not uploading tweets, status updates or Instagrams(aka in this household as pictures
looked like snapped after a nuclear holocaust). But if I did, my tweets would probably go something like this:

-Been here in the waiting room at the pediatric dentist only 2 minutes and the whole place smells like a sewage waste plant. #perfecttimingBenjamin

-You are Correct. The hysterical laughter coming from inside the dentist office bathroom while I change Benjamin's diaper is because he has discovered his penis and continues to yank it. #boyswillbeboys

-Why can't I get away from the smell of poop? #stench

-Got it! I just remembered that I have a diaper full of caca poopies in my purse because OSHA requires you not throw away soiled diapers but place them in a bag and dispose of them yourself after you leave the office. #defacationismylife

-I thought Jet was just practicing some new dance moves but realized he was about to pee all over himself. Sprinted to the bathroom just in time. #cleaningpeeoffthesidesofthetoiletandfloor

-Sitting in the consult room wishing my children would stop interrupting so I could talk to the dentist about Veganism and food documentaries and ethnic hole in the wall restaurants that are the balls. #FoodMatters

-At the reception desk talking to the woman to check out when my youngest started dry heaving. Sprinted back to the consult room because I remember seeing a small white trash can in there. Poor baby got his vomit on.
#Secondsoiledbaginmypurse

Anywhosies, we got out of there safe and sound. Jet got his tokens and picked out prizes and was just beaming. While we were walking out he said, with a kick in his step, "Mommy that was so fun! Dr. Jason is AWESOME!". My cup runneth over. "I knew you would love it baby, I just knew it". When we got to the car, I noticed I parked right near a dumpster and was able to dispose of the poop and puke. Six months couldn't come sooner for Jet. Next time I won't have on a short dress in case there is as much manual labor as there was today. But honestly, that is nothing. It's the life of a mom and nothing to be exasperated over. I wouldn't trade my job for anything. #thankyouJesusfformykids

So I just browsed some photos to add on this post and I came across these that made me laugh because they look like Instagrams.

#HowImisslivinginCaliforniawhat'supwithmyface

#howhemissessurfingeveryday

#SouthernItalianskinVs.NorthernItalianskin

#myhusbandcracksmeup

#Can'tbelieveit'sbeenayear

 PS. I need to add that I don't understand a tweet. have no idea what the number symbol with unspaced words after it means

I just wrote a song. I'll call it...

California Dreaming

all the leaves are brown

and the sky is grey
I've been for a walk
on a winter's day

I'd be safe and warm
if I was in L.A
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day

stopped into a church
I passed along the way
well, I got down on my knees
and I pretend to pray

you know the preacher likes the cold
he knows I'm gonna stay
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day

all the leaves are brown
and the sky is grey
I've been for a walk
on a winter's day

if I didn't tell her
I could leave today
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day



Daily Report

 Other than some cantaloupe martini that my spouse thought it would be funny to let Benjamin taste (yes, I ripped him a new one), my Benjamin has only had milk. But this week I thought I'd let him try some new tastes. I started off with an avocado and breast milk mix for a few days and then moved on to a broccoli and breast milk mixture.

I wish my forehead had the tautness of a 6 month old baby.

Tonight I could not get away from the smell of poop. After checking diapers multiple times, and asking Julius if he knew where the odor was coming from,  I realized  the staunchy stench was coming from Benjamin's neck rolls and cheeks. I guess as a negligent parent who doesn't wipe down her kids after they eat, I should expect nothing less than to find broccoli residue hidden in the chunk.

 Just before I put him down, he, like his mother does, got the giggles right before his bed time. He was laughing so hard right in my face. If I closed my eyes, I would have thought I had a 48 year old large Italian man in my face. His breath was pure garlic. As an Italian woman, I make everything with olive oil and garlic thrown in, even the baby's food. What kept me laughing, was that the breath did not match the tiny body I was holding.

Sorry Mom for what I'm about to say, but I have to share how innocent my firstborn is. Earlier today, Jet was laying on his back on the floor in our sunroom. I walked in, and stuck my gluteus maximus out and pretended to flatulate in his face. He got the biggest smile on his face and said, "Oh thank you Mommy!"

Jet's daily sunroom activity. Just like puppies, little boys are bad unless they exert energy. I encourage him to jump off everything in the house. The more dangerous, the better.

Julius always makes me laugh, but tonight over cheeseburgers, what got me chuckling was when he said, "You know how at Chica-fil-a, they always say 'My Pleasure' after everything? Well I am going to make a restaurant where instead of saying that, the staff has to say, 'You Betcha!' after everything." We then sat over the course of dinner coming up with different phrases that we would make the staff use for each day. Customers would come in just to see what phrase was in use.

So what is the point of this entry you might be asking. Nothing. I am just sitting on the couch waiting for Julius to come in from building something in the workshop so we can watch a Criminal Minds. Dr. Spencer Reid is my favorite. Sometimes Julius talks and sounds like him, not on purpose. I always say that he looks like a grown up nerd version of Jet. Thank you for your time.

"I like mine with lettuce and tomato
Heinz 57 and French fried potatoes
Big kosher pickle and a cold draft beer
Well good God almighty which way do I steer for my
Cheeseburger in Paradise"

Oh Jimmy B! You never disappoint!

Snap, Crackle, Poop

My life is poop.

I can see my mother now, 60% chuckling, 30% embarrassed and 10% nervous about where I am going with this. At family dinners, especially when non-family members are present,  I tend to whip out "bowel" talk .To which she always responds, "Gosh girl, I don't know where you learned to talk so uncouth."  To which I always respond, "I learned it all from you Janet." Or "Janice" or "Janine." Her whole name is just Jan with no middle name; hence the reason I always spice it up. And no, I learned it not from her.

Mom.

Shamefully I tell you, we are a divided household...Julius does in fact say "fart", all the while I say "toot". We do not agree with each other's lingo. Fortunately, Jet sides with Big Mama on this. Benjamin can choose when he is aware of the gas coming forth from his chunky and cellulite infested hiney. Speaking of the beast, it's absolutely astounding to hear the powerful gaseous combustion that can come from a wee baby. It can shake the house and last for what seems like minutes. All the while they are sleeping or staring off, having no clue that they are the reason for the roaring laughter.

The older I get, the more and more I find myself acting like an 8 year old boy. If you were a fly on the wall in our home, you would think you had 4 young boys living under the same roof. If I ever do anything that Jet is proud of me for, he responds with, "Good boy Mommy!" I keep thinking to myself,  "Self, you are a 28yr old woman, when will you become ladylike and prim?" I don't know.

What I do know is, everything in this house always gets brought back to poop. If there is a foul smell, no matter how it smells, the question, "what smells like poop?" is asked. If someone has bad breath, the comment made is, "Your breath smells like death mixed with poop." Popcorn is poopcorn. Soup is poop. Poptarts are pooptarts. You get the picture. Having 2 little boys in diapers, we are always dealing with poop, and there are always musical toots being released into the atmosphere. Don't worry, not from me. Although the 3 boys rip them left and right, I will not in front of Julius. I need to keep some attraction going. I stick to belching. I make up for the lack of intestinal gas with esophagus gas. I strive to be like my sister who can burp like nobodies business.

I cannot take credit for the title of this blog. I received this in a text from my sister Rachel's boyfriend, Daniel.

Daniel trying to kill me.

 Although he is in a different walk of life from us, his life also revolves around poop. I dedicate this blog entry to him, and to my Uncle Buddy who owns Appalachian Pumping in Boone, NC. Call him for all your septic tank needs.

I very much enjoy hanging out with Rachel and Daniel. My sister is the youngest one, yet she is the most mature acting and usually doesn't add much to our convos on poop and toots. We have come up with many fun phrases for these activities. We often refer to tooting as "cracking joints." So in this case, you can always blame the gas on your arthritic knees, stiff neck or misaligned back. Last weekend we all ate Indian food together. What text did I receive from Daniel that night? Great question, I'm dying to share. "My curry left in a hurry." Did appreciate this text? Absotootly I did.

The lovely couple.

A few weeks ago at the dinner table, Jet sat there tooting. The kind that keeps going and going. We were laughing hysterically because A. it was funny and B. we were impressed. Then he turned red trying to get more out because of our reactions. He then said, "Mommy now you toot." So I made a fake sound with my mouth. To which he responded, "No mommy, toot from the penis." Now we know where he thinks they come from.

Jet trying to toot from the penis.

I am going to leave you with "Linger" from the Cranberries. This was a music video we made in 2007 while living in San Clemente,CA. I do hope you enjoy. Thank you.

 P.S. Janine, I kept it clean and vague, all for you. I love you dearly.

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