mani pedi

Until 2 minutes ago, I thought a man pedi was when a man got his toes done.


My toes have been in desperate need of painting for quite some time. I have had full intentions of soaking my feet, cutting the cuticles, shaping the nails and what have you, but time for things like these I just can't seem to find. Sitting on the couch at night watching a show, or "progrum" as we say, would probably be a good call, but "Downton Abbey" needs my full undivided attention. I have looked down at my toes a plethora of times and wanted to swear in anger as i glared at the chipped red polish, or "sonic bloom" if you will.

Today in my room I couldn't take it anymore and sat on the floor to get my painting underway, sans the shaping and soaking. I got one foot coated in the lovely "sonic bloom" when Jet asked me if he could paint my other foot. As I was about to say a big fat "No" I thought to myself, "Self, every other word out of your mouth is "no", C'mon girl, give the boy a chance. What's the big deal? That's what nail polish remover is for, right? Let him tap into his artistic abilities".  So I forced out a  "Of course you can". He got right to work and was very serious about this task at hand. When he was done he said, "Mommy, you look perfect. And you know what else? You look smart."

You know what they say about your second toe being longer than your big toe.

What my conscience forgot to tell me was that just like it took me forever to finally sit and do my toes, it may just take as long to fix them. I suppose when I glance down at my feet now, it may cause me to smile rather than yell profanities. "But Carey, if you have time to sit and write about this, then you surely have time to go fix your foot". You are right conscience, you are right, although you obviously haven't seen the six loads of laundry either on the floor in my room that if I enter to get the remover and polish, I will have no choice but to begin folding. Therefor I choose not to go back there.

                                          Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Jack Johnson with "Bubble Toes"

It's as simple as something that nobody knows that her eyes are as big

as her bubbly toes
on the feet of a queen of the hearts of the cards and her feet are all
covered with tar balls and scars
It's as common as something that nobody knows that her beauty will
follow wherever she goes
up the hill in the back of her house in the would she love me forever,
I know she could

I remember when you and me mmm how we used to be just good friends
Wouldn't give me none
But all I wanted was some
She's got a whole lot of reasons
She cant think of a single one
That can justify leaving
and he got none but he thinks he got so many problems
Man he got, too much time to waste

His dreams are like commercials
But her dreams are picture perfect and
Our dreams are so related though they're often underestimated

It's as simple as something that nobody knows that
Her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes
On the feet of the queen of the hearts of the cards
And her feet are infested with tar balls and


La da da da da da ...

Snap, Crackle, Poop

My life is poop.

I can see my mother now, 60% chuckling, 30% embarrassed and 10% nervous about where I am going with this. At family dinners, especially when non-family members are present,  I tend to whip out "bowel" talk .To which she always responds, "Gosh girl, I don't know where you learned to talk so uncouth."  To which I always respond, "I learned it all from you Janet." Or "Janice" or "Janine." Her whole name is just Jan with no middle name; hence the reason I always spice it up. And no, I learned it not from her.

Mom.

Shamefully I tell you, we are a divided household...Julius does in fact say "fart", all the while I say "toot". We do not agree with each other's lingo. Fortunately, Jet sides with Big Mama on this. Benjamin can choose when he is aware of the gas coming forth from his chunky and cellulite infested hiney. Speaking of the beast, it's absolutely astounding to hear the powerful gaseous combustion that can come from a wee baby. It can shake the house and last for what seems like minutes. All the while they are sleeping or staring off, having no clue that they are the reason for the roaring laughter.

The older I get, the more and more I find myself acting like an 8 year old boy. If you were a fly on the wall in our home, you would think you had 4 young boys living under the same roof. If I ever do anything that Jet is proud of me for, he responds with, "Good boy Mommy!" I keep thinking to myself,  "Self, you are a 28yr old woman, when will you become ladylike and prim?" I don't know.

What I do know is, everything in this house always gets brought back to poop. If there is a foul smell, no matter how it smells, the question, "what smells like poop?" is asked. If someone has bad breath, the comment made is, "Your breath smells like death mixed with poop." Popcorn is poopcorn. Soup is poop. Poptarts are pooptarts. You get the picture. Having 2 little boys in diapers, we are always dealing with poop, and there are always musical toots being released into the atmosphere. Don't worry, not from me. Although the 3 boys rip them left and right, I will not in front of Julius. I need to keep some attraction going. I stick to belching. I make up for the lack of intestinal gas with esophagus gas. I strive to be like my sister who can burp like nobodies business.

I cannot take credit for the title of this blog. I received this in a text from my sister Rachel's boyfriend, Daniel.

Daniel trying to kill me.

 Although he is in a different walk of life from us, his life also revolves around poop. I dedicate this blog entry to him, and to my Uncle Buddy who owns Appalachian Pumping in Boone, NC. Call him for all your septic tank needs.

I very much enjoy hanging out with Rachel and Daniel. My sister is the youngest one, yet she is the most mature acting and usually doesn't add much to our convos on poop and toots. We have come up with many fun phrases for these activities. We often refer to tooting as "cracking joints." So in this case, you can always blame the gas on your arthritic knees, stiff neck or misaligned back. Last weekend we all ate Indian food together. What text did I receive from Daniel that night? Great question, I'm dying to share. "My curry left in a hurry." Did appreciate this text? Absotootly I did.

The lovely couple.

A few weeks ago at the dinner table, Jet sat there tooting. The kind that keeps going and going. We were laughing hysterically because A. it was funny and B. we were impressed. Then he turned red trying to get more out because of our reactions. He then said, "Mommy now you toot." So I made a fake sound with my mouth. To which he responded, "No mommy, toot from the penis." Now we know where he thinks they come from.

Jet trying to toot from the penis.

I am going to leave you with "Linger" from the Cranberries. This was a music video we made in 2007 while living in San Clemente,CA. I do hope you enjoy. Thank you.

 P.S. Janine, I kept it clean and vague, all for you. I love you dearly.

.

How to look years younger

Before.

.

Someone old and decrepit almost in her 30's.

After

Young and fresh ready to shop at 5-7-9 for all the latest fashions.

But seriously, when we lived in the O.C., I worked at Iverson Orthodontics. Favorite job I have had. Best boss in the world! What's up Dr. I! One day I decided to make a set of retainers for myself and bond braces to them. Best thing I ever did.

                                               Some of my faves. Taken in 1976.

Sometimes I would wear them around the office just to show the patients that, heck to the yes, braces are freakin hot. Another good time to wear them is when you are pregnant. You take off your wedding ring and go out in public and see how many adults shun you for being a pregnant teenager. These days I just wear them around the house when I have nothing else to do. They are in right now.

 And yes of course, I had Julius come in so I could make him a pair too. I made his with gold braces. They bring out his blue eyes.

Speaking of teeth,I have to brag on my 2 yr. old for a minute. He can locate his molars, cuspids and incisors. That's the child of an ex-ortho assistant.

And all this to say, I miss you San Clemente! My girl Joni Mitchell sings it best.

"But my heart cried out for you, california
Oh california I’m coming home
Oh make me feel good rock’n roll band
I’m your biggest fan
California, I’m coming home"