LIVE. LAUGH. TOOT.

One day, with my mother's permission, I will share a story about her on this blog. One that I love to share in social gatherings. One to break the ice at parties. One that humiliated her, and me, and almost got Julius thinking twice about marrying me. She actually may never agree to the story, so use your wildest imagination. And yes, there may be some tooting involved. Sorry Mom.

I will share some small tidbits from today in which my life mimicked this title. My parents came over for a quick dindin before my mom and I had to leave to see October Baby(Please see my disclosure statement). We had beans for a side. It dawned on me that we eat beans all the time and I have never taught Jet the "beans beans their good for you heart" song. That must be changed. I started off with the "musical fruit" version first since I'm partial to the T word instead of F. My mother sat there and said, "I don't think kids are supposed to learn these types of things from their moms". Au contraire Mama, au contraire. I want my kids well equipped and up to date on these important things. Miraculously, two minutes after singing these songs, Jet tooted. I think he may have gotten a standing ovation from us. He was so excited he started shoveling more and more beans in his mouth. He then was a little disappointed as he was not able to produce anymore. I told him he probably would in his sleep tonight and I was sorry we all couldn't be there to hear the music.

As a  child, I used to get very upset when listening to my mom talk to her sister about colon cleanses and fiber intake and too many things along these lines. On the drive there I was telling her about this Chinese laxative tea I have. She said she would like to try some. After the movie we were standing in line for the bathroom. Her co-worker Beth was standing in line in front of her and said, "So you gonna go out and party after this?" She simply responded, "No. I'm going home to drink some Chinese tea so I can use the bathroom". And then it hit me. I am my mother. As an adult I thrive on these conversations with my girlfriends. There is nothing more exciting. What was not exciting is when it was finally my turn for the bathroom. I squatted as I do in public restrooms(and always at home). I went to stand, and I couldn't. My hip wouldn't allow me to. I started panicking. I thought I would have to crawl out of the stall. Eventually I was able to stand in pain and limp to the sink. I limped to the car, but nobody wants a sob story, so enough of this.

The drive home was filled with discussion about the movie, but also with the inevitable. Had I not sobbed out every last tear in me from the movie, I would have been crying from laughter. One thing Jan said flatually, pardon factually, "You know Martin Luther from the 1500's? Not only was he known for the Protestant Reformation but he was also known for tooting. Frequent ones. Loud ones. It's true.". And then we talked of an Italian/French movie called 'La Grande Abuffatta', one I've never seen but know that in it a man lets out a long, loud, powerful toot and then falls over dead. We got home. I ran in and grabbed her the tea.

So this is my disclosure. To be serious for a moment, the real reason I'm writing is because I want to encourage you to see October baby. I know it's no Hunger Games, but please.  Yes, at the beginning it is a bit cheesy, but then it is heart wrenching and beautiful and will have you in tears. This movie is for those pro-life, pro-choice, contemplating abortion, post abortion. If you watch it, please stay til the credits so you can see the woman tell her abortion story and how she has found healing. God loves you, and so do I. And I love your unborn baby.

So I thought this song was annoying until I had babies of my own. Now the words are truth.

                  Benny

       And the Jet

                                                         Pissed to be...
  "In My Arms"

Your baby blues
So full of wonder
Your curly cues
Your contagious smile
And as i watch
You start to grow up
All I can do is hold you tight

Knowing clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Story books are full of fairy tales
Of kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
You'll someday see the truth from lies

Knowing clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
Dreams may not come true
But you are never all alone
Because I will always
Always love you

Clouds will rage in
Storms will race in
But you will be safe in my arms
Rains will pour down
Waves will crash all around
But you will be safe in my arms

mani pedi

Until 2 minutes ago, I thought a man pedi was when a man got his toes done.


My toes have been in desperate need of painting for quite some time. I have had full intentions of soaking my feet, cutting the cuticles, shaping the nails and what have you, but time for things like these I just can't seem to find. Sitting on the couch at night watching a show, or "progrum" as we say, would probably be a good call, but "Downton Abbey" needs my full undivided attention. I have looked down at my toes a plethora of times and wanted to swear in anger as i glared at the chipped red polish, or "sonic bloom" if you will.

Today in my room I couldn't take it anymore and sat on the floor to get my painting underway, sans the shaping and soaking. I got one foot coated in the lovely "sonic bloom" when Jet asked me if he could paint my other foot. As I was about to say a big fat "No" I thought to myself, "Self, every other word out of your mouth is "no", C'mon girl, give the boy a chance. What's the big deal? That's what nail polish remover is for, right? Let him tap into his artistic abilities".  So I forced out a  "Of course you can". He got right to work and was very serious about this task at hand. When he was done he said, "Mommy, you look perfect. And you know what else? You look smart."

You know what they say about your second toe being longer than your big toe.

What my conscience forgot to tell me was that just like it took me forever to finally sit and do my toes, it may just take as long to fix them. I suppose when I glance down at my feet now, it may cause me to smile rather than yell profanities. "But Carey, if you have time to sit and write about this, then you surely have time to go fix your foot". You are right conscience, you are right, although you obviously haven't seen the six loads of laundry either on the floor in my room that if I enter to get the remover and polish, I will have no choice but to begin folding. Therefor I choose not to go back there.

                                          Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr. Jack Johnson with "Bubble Toes"

It's as simple as something that nobody knows that her eyes are as big

as her bubbly toes
on the feet of a queen of the hearts of the cards and her feet are all
covered with tar balls and scars
It's as common as something that nobody knows that her beauty will
follow wherever she goes
up the hill in the back of her house in the would she love me forever,
I know she could

I remember when you and me mmm how we used to be just good friends
Wouldn't give me none
But all I wanted was some
She's got a whole lot of reasons
She cant think of a single one
That can justify leaving
and he got none but he thinks he got so many problems
Man he got, too much time to waste

His dreams are like commercials
But her dreams are picture perfect and
Our dreams are so related though they're often underestimated

It's as simple as something that nobody knows that
Her eyes are as big as her bubbly toes
On the feet of the queen of the hearts of the cards
And her feet are infested with tar balls and


La da da da da da ...

#Don'tforgettofloss

 Today I took Jet to the dentist for the first time. Because of my love for teeth, I have been talking up this visit his whole life. To say he was stoked about going would be an understatement. I showed him pictures on the website of the different dentists and let him choose which one he wanted to see.


I don't have a smart phone, mainly because I don't deem it a necessity at this point in my life, so I was not uploading tweets, status updates or Instagrams(aka in this household as pictures
looked like snapped after a nuclear holocaust). But if I did, my tweets would probably go something like this:

-Been here in the waiting room at the pediatric dentist only 2 minutes and the whole place smells like a sewage waste plant. #perfecttimingBenjamin

-You are Correct. The hysterical laughter coming from inside the dentist office bathroom while I change Benjamin's diaper is because he has discovered his penis and continues to yank it. #boyswillbeboys

-Why can't I get away from the smell of poop? #stench

-Got it! I just remembered that I have a diaper full of caca poopies in my purse because OSHA requires you not throw away soiled diapers but place them in a bag and dispose of them yourself after you leave the office. #defacationismylife

-I thought Jet was just practicing some new dance moves but realized he was about to pee all over himself. Sprinted to the bathroom just in time. #cleaningpeeoffthesidesofthetoiletandfloor

-Sitting in the consult room wishing my children would stop interrupting so I could talk to the dentist about Veganism and food documentaries and ethnic hole in the wall restaurants that are the balls. #FoodMatters

-At the reception desk talking to the woman to check out when my youngest started dry heaving. Sprinted back to the consult room because I remember seeing a small white trash can in there. Poor baby got his vomit on.
#Secondsoiledbaginmypurse

Anywhosies, we got out of there safe and sound. Jet got his tokens and picked out prizes and was just beaming. While we were walking out he said, with a kick in his step, "Mommy that was so fun! Dr. Jason is AWESOME!". My cup runneth over. "I knew you would love it baby, I just knew it". When we got to the car, I noticed I parked right near a dumpster and was able to dispose of the poop and puke. Six months couldn't come sooner for Jet. Next time I won't have on a short dress in case there is as much manual labor as there was today. But honestly, that is nothing. It's the life of a mom and nothing to be exasperated over. I wouldn't trade my job for anything. #thankyouJesusfformykids

So I just browsed some photos to add on this post and I came across these that made me laugh because they look like Instagrams.

#HowImisslivinginCaliforniawhat'supwithmyface

#howhemissessurfingeveryday

#SouthernItalianskinVs.NorthernItalianskin

#myhusbandcracksmeup

#Can'tbelieveit'sbeenayear

 PS. I need to add that I don't understand a tweet. have no idea what the number symbol with unspaced words after it means

I just wrote a song. I'll call it...

California Dreaming

all the leaves are brown

and the sky is grey
I've been for a walk
on a winter's day

I'd be safe and warm
if I was in L.A
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day

stopped into a church
I passed along the way
well, I got down on my knees
and I pretend to pray

you know the preacher likes the cold
he knows I'm gonna stay
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day

all the leaves are brown
and the sky is grey
I've been for a walk
on a winter's day

if I didn't tell her
I could leave today
California Dreamin'
on such a winter's day