Sunday, May 13, 2012

Bathroom Talk

Benjamin is a force to reckon with. We used to call him "The Perfect One". Now we just call him "Benny, Noooooooooooooo!!!"  We often ask ourselves how he is still alive. I know kids put things in their mouths, but really,  he finds everything lethal and microscopic even after I vacuum and sweep. I am constantly pulling coins, cap gun bullets, old food from gosh knows when, and nails and screws out of his mouth. I have also had to pull several glass shards out and was able to accomplish without drawing blood. The brightly colored objects found in his diapers are also fascinating to me. "Where was I when he swallowed that? And how the heck did he not choke?", are reoccurring thoughts. Inside our home this kid follows me around and doesn't give me a second to myself. So in case you were thinking, "Maybe he ate something when you were going to the bathroom", the answer is false, because when I am sitting on the pot, he is either sticking objects in the toilet in the space between the back of the seat and my glutes, or he is on the other side of the bathroom door, face planted and screaming hysterically at the top of his lungs like he is never going to see me again. Heaven forbid I shut the door on him. When I come out he immediately stops. I say "Let's go outside" and he books it to the door, and as long as he is outdoors, could care less if he ever saw me again.

He had an obsession with playing in the toilet a few months ago. We tried to always keep the lids down but then his chubby arms and fingers learned to lift it.  So maybe this is TMI but in the middle of the night when we get up to pee we don't flush the toilet for many a reason. One morning I was in my room getting dressed and I saw Benj hobble his fat butt into my bathroom. I thought I'd have a second to put on my shirt when I heard Jet screaming for me. Benj had grabbed a handful of toilet paper out of the toilet completely saturated with a night's worth of urination and was going to town sucking out the liquid like he does the water in his washcloth during his baths. I started screaming and swearing. I'd be lying if I told you that was the only time that happened. Fortunately no negative results occurred. Just a stronger immune system I suppose.

So I was giving the boys a bath the other night and I got Benjamin out first. Well, he got himself out first, like he always does. Once again, I am surprised that all his teeth are still in tact. I got him all ready for bed and then set him free and went to get Jet's pj's. Now before you gasp and cast judgement thinking I'm an irresponsible mother and left my 3 year old in the bath by himself, I always make him sing a song so I can hear him if I need to leave the room for a second. I ran down the hall and quickly came back to find  Benjamin back in the bathtub.

He can't be confined or sit still. He has not watched more than 2 minutes of TV in his life, which is a good thing I guess, but gives me no break during his waking hours. I guess there is too much out there that needs to be destroyed or eaten. He can maneuver out of most high chairs and shopping carts. I was at Target in the parking lot and Benny was strapped into the shopping cart. I turned around to grab something out of the back seat of my car, in 2 seconds he was standing balancing onto the small seat about to plummet to his death on the asphalt.

Every few days when Julius is near me and I've been on the phone, when I hang up I say to him, "That was the Sheriff's department again, they have Benny in custody. Whose turn is it to pick him up from the station?". We joke now because he is 16 months. When he is 16, we will not be joking. Maybe he will get in fights because he has anger issues because the kids at school make fun of him for drinking pee when he was younger. Whatever, he is a fighter and a beast. A beast I wouldn't mess with.

Lord willing, I will have a couple more children. If more turn out like Benjamin, then bring it on. Jet has been asking me for a baby sister. He wants to name her Nanabelle. Also he has been talking about his girlfriend from church for a couple months now but never remembers her name when we ask him. Leaving the church parking lot today he said, "I saw my girlfriend at church today and her name is Hazel." I almost cried because I thought that was so sweet. I pictured a cute little vintage dressed 3 year old girl who captured my son's affections. Then I asked him was she looked like. He said, "Poop". Thank you Jet. That made my Mother's Day, a Happy Mother's Day.

                                         "Benny, Benny, Benny can't you see?
                                          Sometimes your words just hypnotize me
                                          And I just love your flashy ways
                                          I guess that's why they broke and your so paid"